The art of Giving Advice

I used to be (and still am) a counsellor to many people since I was in high school. Being a counsellor to some people is seen as offering some thoughts to the client or person to his or her problems. I don’t have a specialized degree in that subject for the matter, so I am more of an adviser. You see when people consult you for their problems; don’t just act as someone who gives opinions and solutions to that matter, because in the end they would come back to you for another consultation.

The reason I mentioned the above is not because I don’t want them to come back to me because as a Dai’e that’s exactly what you want them to do. However, giving them the solutions is not suitable as for me, you don’t help them to overcome the problems by themselves, instead you’re making them leeching on you. I always believe that as an adviser, or a dai’e, you’d be an enabler, the one who would enable them to independently work the problems out on their own.

Why? Because,

1. Everyone is unique and different from one another; therefore one’s approach to solve a matter is different from another.
2. No matter how much one can offer you assistance, at one point he or she has to stop, as the next step of that assistance is you start helping yourself.

So, how to work these out?

Try to learn more about your client or the person who consults you. As I have made the 1st point above, it’s crucial to note these. What I did was, I learned about their background, the type of family that they had, the kind of parents he had (totalitarian, permissive, etc), his resources to solutions, etc. Why noting all these? All these information are like the framework to the solution of the problems, they work in a way to provide you with the best solution to for that particular person. Sounds like a lot of work? I think once you have got used to it, it’d be a piece of cake.

An example just to show you how it works;

‘A’ is the 1st child of 5 siblings currently in form 5. His father is more of authoritative while his mom is rather totalitarian. ‘A’ has a very good relationship with his siblings even though his mom is strict in disciplining her children. Now, the problem might be that ‘A’ wanted to pursue his study in medicine and become a doctor, but his mother wanted him to become an engineer.

Have you seen the solution as yet? All the above information are the framework to solve ‘A’s problem.

This is one of the many examples of solutions you might come out with:

‘A’ is under a lot of pressure as he’s taking SPM that year, and the fact that he’s the eldest gives him a double pressure. However, we know that he’s a good son as it can be inferred from his relationship with his siblings. The information above also suggests that he has a good relationship with his parents too, despite the different approach his parents choose to practice. You won’t have a good relationship with your siblings if you don’t have a good relationship with your parents; that’s the logic. Now, the only obstacle for ‘A’ to pursue his dream would be his mother, despite him being obedient and good to his parents, his mom sticks to her argument that ‘A’ is to become an engineer, not a doctor. His resource to solution is obviously his father. He needs to explain his dream to his father and asks him to consult his wife to agree. And in this solution the probability that ‘A’s mother would agree as they could live together for many years (assuming from the number of children) despite their different approach in parenting (it depends though).

note: inference may depend on many things. depending solely on one aspect does not make your inference valid.

What might not work?

It might not work if the child was to face his mother solely without any support, as we know that his mother is a strict lady, the possibility for him to get her permission might be zero, and therefore it needs someone who is able to soften her.
   
At one point, no matter how much advices you have given someone, you should know it that you have to refrain yourself from assisting him or her anymore as the next step requires that person to act on his or her own. This is when you enable the person to work his or her way out of the problem, not to feed them that they may leech on you. The solution that you have helped them find will guide them on how to work things out.

Does this work for dai’e? I don’t know about you, but it always works for me, Alhamdulillah. The passion and devotion that dai’e have shown only to listen and give opinions would leave memorable marks to those who consulted them. But remember; don’t allow them to rely too much on you, as they won’t want to walk on their own again. Dai’e guide and assist, we lead them to find the way not bringing them to the way. And be patience, don’t expect to see the result in one night, Rome was not built in a night aye? Maybe you’d care to read my previous posts on listening to others.

Cheerio and Salam~

Don't Demotivate to Inspire

Sometimes when we see someone is going through some hard times and a little bit gloomy, with a heart full of compassion, we would feel like giving them a hand and take them out from the dark clouds. Unfortunately not many manage to do it the right way, hence adding more to the problem that someone has already borne. You may feel as if you have done the right thing, but you may just do what you think is right for the person, not what he thinks is right for him. If you feel like inspiring others, don’t start it by demotivating them, it doesn’t work.

First of all, bear in mind that we are the ones who wanted to offer our assistance, not them asking for ours. Therefore, more attention is to be given to them instead of us. In a simple way, it means, let them do more talking than you yourself. Moreover, it is human’s nature to love to speak about themselves, what more in a situation where they are in despair. Allow them to speak up their minds and let it all out, until they feel like they have said enough.

Be an attentive listener to them. Sometimes you don’t need to voice out your opinion; your attentive listening has done it all. What they want is to be heard. Give them space to express their dissatisfaction, and ask them if they have more to say. Again allow them to speak their minds. This may not satisfy you, but it surely will satisfy the one in trouble.

When they have told you of their problems, do not start your lecture or give your opinion. This is where many of us make the mistake whereby some would point all the mistakes to the person (even though the problem does come from the person, do you think he or she would not realize it?), while some would simply voice out what they think, thus put their judgement to decide on the person’s case, and others would give negative connotation and comments about the person or the trouble he or she is undergoing.

Instead of doing that, why don’t we ask them some other questions like; ‘what do you think causes this problem?’ or ‘what’s the status now?’ or ‘how do you feel about this?’ to allow them to speak more of their problems and channel them to think for the solutions. This would give them more space to reflect the problems that they have and start looking for the solutions. We as the wiser persons (as we are not bothered by anything and could think wisely) should encourage them to search for their own answers.

When they have done doing that, you may express your opinion on that matter. You may say ‘you know what I think? I think...’ or ‘in my humble opinion...’ so on and so forth. Pick the best words choice to express your opinion. Even when you want them to reside on your opinion, by doing this you are not imposing, rather you’re indirectly influencing them. Less pressure, more confident. In addition to that, if you’re giving them solutions, give them choices and allow them to choose, do not impose! You may explain in details of the choices and tell them why you think any of them is the best, but leave the decision for the person to make. It is never your right.

Be positive and channel your positivity to them by giving them encouragement and support even when they do not reside on the person’s side. Expression like ‘I believe you can do this’, ‘don’t worry everything would be fine, in sya Allah’, ‘Allah is always with the one who is close to Him’, ‘Allah has never left His servant prayers unanswered’, and many more.

Sometimes people think they can’t get access to someone’s heart for the fact that they only do not have the right key.

Being a Listener

I am (still) reading Dale Carnegie’s book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. Time has really constrained my choices of reading, as well as the time being spent on it. I have just finished another interesting chapter written by him, ‘an easy way to become a good conversationalist’. As much as other chapters have been written, this chapter also captures the same pattern of writing. It is a more of sharing on how such aspiration is of daily experiences through stories of many people.

Humans, its nature is wanted to be heard, by anyone, by someone closer, by important figures, and some others. Such condition is expected more especially in times of desperate, and frustration. As Carnegie says it, what they want is only an attentive listener, with no interference, no other side story but his or hers. Indeed, that is the nature of US human, is it not? We love to talk about ourselves, what we have done, what we have achieved, and the list goes on.

But, in order for us to achieve a higher and more important role in society, we ought to let go such wanting of being heard and put ourselves in the shoes of those listeners. It might turn out that the attention you have given others would reward you in a better place, conditions, and feeling. Not that we should expect those in returns, but it would come to us due to our sincerity and honesty. More of these stories can be read in Carnegie’s book.

It is actually proven that the attention we provide others, the ears we lend them, is an asset to many great things. Being a psychologist requires you to have this skill of listening attentively. Failure of doing so, may cause you not to be able to engage your clients deeply, hence causing them not to be open to tell all the problems they are experiencing. Being a manager also requires the same skill and failure of doing so, may contribute to the low performance of your subordinates in their jobs.

What more if you are calling people to Allah. Indeed, listening is the skill every dai’e needs to master. Sometimes we only want to deliver what is right for them without allowing them to speak for themselves. For instance, some may judge that this person is ‘bad’, hence is taken lightly and is given no importance, but probably that person has problems that he or she needs someone to talk to. Being an attentive listener could bridge you to that person’s heart, hence able to win him or her on our side. What may lose in conversation is sincerity and honesty. Carnegie quotes, one may not pay attention when he or she is thinking of what to be said next. Why not, we allow the conversation to develop itself, and let the flow leads you into your conversation, hence making it natural. What more important is listening.

Some ways you may motivate the person to talk more of him or herself, or of the problems they have are; pay attention, show your genuine interest, be emphatic, inquire more if you really do not know, look in to their eyes, give ‘short’ responds (e.g. ‘hmm’, ‘ahuh’, ‘I see’), avoid interruptions and many more. I believe the more you are engage in the conversation, the more experience you will gain in tackling people.